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dream: my hair was dark and chocolate, it was a world of darks and lights.
my pale skin, the dark hair. the pitch black night, the long white dresses, the white gazebo, the dark tuxedos....
it was a world bent on beauty and fantasy, a party was brewing. the ocean glittered in the background and i was asked to light the remaining candles on the gazebo before we set sail into the sea.
but the wind was blowing, fast and furious. i couldnt get the candles to light, the wax thick on the wick.
frustrated someone suggested theyd just take people out for small tours on the boat and come back.
i started screaming, the air was so full of insecurity and defiance.
i said you cant stomp on my dreams (a dream about smothered dreams? because i couldnt light i candle...) just then, as the candles started to light at last, patrick burst into the room wondering where the hell i was.
i slept in till 12:30 pm and was covered in pillows and blankets
just a mound.
a mound into a beautiful swirly world. finally getting my piece of it.

its late and i am actually blonde.
i am not ready for the week to begin.
victoria arrives tuesday at the crack of dawn at gatwick airport. i am stuck thinking of things to do when shes here
im stuck wondering what will happen to the beautiful house we saw down in worthing, if it really could be ours.
the joy of then ordering a leather couch - walking to the ocean whenever id like.
id like to get another kitty friend for our white katze Loki. Id like to name him Zulu and for him to balance out Loki's fiestyness.
Id like alot of settling, home like things down in Worthing. I had been hoping for that feeling for 3 years now.
But something always gets in the way.
Will a couch, a cat, an art room, a back yard, an ocean help this?
will it be enough for a few years?
will we be...happy??

God I wish I knew.

I keep getting distracted by CSI and i keep writing useless thing about material objects
and lifes inability to keep want away.

Until the light blub flickers, right?

(i know this is becoming like my dream journal, but its good, it keeps me remembering, it keeps me focused)
its rare that i have a dream where i am not aware that i am dreaming.
i am all about lucid dreams. i can make myself fly if i need to, i can wake myself up if necessary.
last night i was in india with my older sister.
we were at the mouth of a bay, talking to a man who was half native, half russian, as if we were on the border of both those countries.
we were on his house boat, he was charming and fun, wearing a black suit which didnt go with the peculiar surroundings.
i was taking pictures of the unusual docks and boats all around us. the bright colors of their panels. their odd small steps that wound up to nothing. when rain came crashing down.
the storm was so swift and strong, i remember wrapping my camera in a sweater and ducking for cover. the water push the boat nearly to tipping point and the indian man would yell to us which direction we should push to stay on board.
one time hee yelled the wrong direction, and my sister slipped from the rails, i saw her fall what looked like 50 feet, her eyes pleading with me as she crashed into the deep water. the color of a japanese painting.
i woke up then. short of breath and overwhelmed with sorrow.
it was barely sunrise then and everything was quiet.
when i fell back asleep i dreamt of you again.
but this time i didnt know i was dreaming.
in fact i went on and on giggling telling you about how i had seen you nightly, always a flash of memory.
i was young again, with my dark ash hair, a gawky feeling to my bones. we were a couple and it felt like such a splendid release! to ease into your tan arms, in your parents home once more, sprawled and splendid.
it had the same deep dark colors, like everything was in shadow, as the last dream.
but i remember little else clearly. my legs were hairy and i was embarassed and kept trying to hide them. i was in the bathroom and for some reason scrubbing my jeans in the tub, when i look down and the water is filled with blood
your mother is calling me from the doorway
i make a joke, and panic.
not much else is remembered.

its another grey day and my bones are heavy,
the computer has crashed, liam drew on our white carpet with marker, we may be buying a kitten, and ive started a painting of cranes in the snow.
its liams birthday in one week exactly.
hell be 2 years old.
i cant figure out if thats incredibly fast, or insanely slow.
whats with time anyway.

im stuck on this last line.
the sky turns blue but its moving fast.
soon ill be heading to the coast, the city of my entrance to england. the city where patricks heart sleeps.
for now my mind is bogged my deep blue and shadow.
soon i hope, those colors will wash away

i dreamt of antartica again. there were zippo lines of cinderella carriages whipping us back and forth from ice peak to ice peak
and you were there, and you and and you and you
and out the missing doors all you could see was sunsets, all day long
rainbow sherbet rubbed heavy along the horizon, inky black along all the edges
it was solemn somehow, but the only beautiful thing to stare at, zipping along zipping along

and of course i was arguing with you
im always having a dream sitting somewhere, anywhere
arguing with you
even in my DREAM i was bored of arguing with you.
your blonde hair and a shock of a mouth is all i see
your eyes are always shadows
if i look closely im sure they would be
simply mine.

its morning and the sky is charcoal grey
i rub my face and the clouds crack
FINALLY RELEASE! for days! i have been waiting for that same burned out sky to open.
its hard to say why i chose you to be my other half in my sub conscience
for some reason i choose really inconsequential people at times.
its coming down harder and harder,
the rain,
oh its glorious.

today its all about the ice cream sky.

tonight i lay restless in bed.
i remembered a happy little heart stop moment, from a life time before
just a sentence in an email, a letter
"i believe we met during a full moon"
a fond little memory, a romantic inclination

that summer we skinny dipped in my mountain lake, our pale swishy bodies happy and alight
we sweated through the hill tops by day and drank wine by night, by the campfire and guitars and smiles.
but when the summer ended i had cuts and bruises all along my neck and arms, my eyes were hidden by sunglasses, i was broken. as i said good bye on his porch, standing before them, a spectacle of my humiliation...i saw the pity in his eyes. i saw even the disgust.
i knew, he may have loved me. if i was whole.
but whole is a journey that often leads us away from those people
and when we find ourselves
we find its too late.

i remember him tonight, because it was all so fleeting.
a full moon romance.

last i heard,
he was learning how to make wine in argentina
what a happy thought.
and funny - even though neither him or i have been to our mountain lake since that year
i always think the summer i make it back
somehow, he'll be there too.

a multitude of things.
the peaches, sloppy in my hands, the paint - making its rhythms along the edge of my thumb, the laundry mat that reminded me of the postage stamp towns in the once was wild west. full of noise, full of community. full.
these are my days, i am always thinking of the words.

i spent four hours in the hair salon this morning. 3 people crowded around me moaning about having too much hair, the heat of the foil warming my neck, the ache of eyes from surrounding customers easing in my direction.
i was spending a fortune to be truly selfish.
even now in the mirror,
it looks uncommon on me.


the canvases of the blooming spring litter my living room. they hoover on my window sills, they are glared through by odd sunlight.
i keep thinking, "the exhibition is only 2 months away, i only have so much time", and it drives to colors and my discrimination of them onto the white ridgety sheet.
too dark, not blended, not distinct, what am i doing, what am i doing.
thus the paint looms around my thumb where i swirl it even into my brushes, concentration a flow.
the daylight fading.
along with my grasp.

spring. it came in a rush with a couch stricken stomach infection.
right under my left ribs it sat there, swollen and painful, and speed of change came down on me.
my full fruit bowls, the remembrance of the peaches, the flesh falling from the skin without a care. right into my palm.
these are the things i see.
the image of my hot foiled heat, rubbed, rinsed, repeated, surrounded by busy bodies.
even my grandfathers painfully slow thoughts, of happiness, wood working and birthdays. breathed into me. the dream revisited of his living room, speaking to his ghost about the modern art he left behind. i protested against such unpracticed brush strokes. clumsy, without teaching.
i am stubborn because i cant let go to my fine details.

i am never distant from the thought of his rejection,
spring, the time of eluding growth
i think of the spats, the easy feeling of giving up, i think of desperate thirst ive acquired for knowledge since leaving school and teachers. and authority i just couldnt cooperate with.
i see myself as a teenager.
i see myself as a mother.
the lines are blurry, i hesitate between both.

a lesson learned, you are young blind and stupid (but nicely arrogantly so)
love is complicated, even if you pretend you know otherwise, even if you pretend to know the simple.

spring,
i am happy its here.

so its one of those weird weeks where i am lazy and keeping my stuck eyes stuck on the gray sky.
i had an interesting talk with my art teacher monday night
on our usual ride home where i feel suddenly so bare and open and sometimes hear her saying things that should, well, really be exactly what i would say and i am flattened.
bare and flattened?

i get self conscience in those situations. it reminds me bitterly of being 15 and this wonderful woman at the church my parents took me to every sunday befriended me.
later i learned she was merely worried about me.
i hate pity friends
and the worst thing is they see things in me i don't even acknowledge myself
i hate to acknowledge myself.
and frankly im fine keeping under some skin layers until i actually have options to fix them.

anyway so she spoke of love in san fransisco and affairs of the mind and husbands
she made fun of me saying i speak like im 30 years old.... 21 going on 30
get me excited about something, i think,
get me laughing and thrilled
ill be 6 years old i swear
but we're talking about husbands, scarves and audio books
ill be 30 as long as it seems relevant.
ugh microscopes.

on days like these, on weeks like these, i wish i had some more courage, less fear, to be as bad as id like to be.
to sortve shuffle back to my worst behaviors.
im not talking about drugs or anything like that
but shuffle back to people and situations that only mean trouble.
trouble is only adrenaline right?
i only wish they wanted that feeling as much as me.

another foggy day? really?

i had been anxious about today for a long while.
after my friend ex communicated me its was hard to find my feet
how do you kindly leave someone alone when they are integrated in each community and group of friends?
today was a childs christmas party, one i was certain id see her for the first time at.
i was painting the childrens faces over in my little corner and her daughter ran over to the table. i felt kindve awkward and bad for even speaking to her. saying hello.
i put on a smile and avoided all eye contact and but felt uneasy the entire time.

shes made it more difficult than it has to be. shes suffering more than she needs to be because shes looking to me to take the blame and its a very unsatisfactory feeling i have no doubt.
because she knows i am not responsible.
shes hurting because i am not responsible

its who is that is the problem.

tonight i have put together a Christmas dinner for my motherly friends. she was of course invited over a month ago as she put on her charade.
theres no large room of people to flit in and out of
and god what if she picks me as her secret santa
all these awkward moments in my head
thinking back to our last girls night out as i cried in the alley way to her about what had happened . feeling my heart break for her.
now she spits it back in my face.

theres no use in anger.
its empty and wont get me my good friend back.
its sure to be something to haunt me for a very long time.

heaven! one man srceamed! hell! the other one screamed
outside in my freedom smokers daze
i was a part of someone elses drunken love
heaven! one screamed again!
hell!
the other one sounded distant
and my blue smoke seemed to distant out into the bitter english drizzle
as i was farther apart from their myriad
i was farther apart from the joke.

and in the cold i thought of many things
but none i can mention
as as much as i wish they were a part of me
they are simply a section of me
a distance of me
a shadow background
the ash burns my tongue and i wonder why they are so far away
heaven, hell
they are shoutings of a drunken british youth
and i am a foreigner yearning to understand
complexes that are familiar and yet distant

know me,
my smoke and bitter ash yelled
but they were gone.

last night i dreamed i was interviewed by prince charles
he had a beautiful pen but horrible handwriting
so these things go....
i dreamed i rode the metro with justin timberlake
and left broken hearted, though i had no right to feel that way.

i dreamed i swam through the river behind my house in maryland
the fish were large with vicious teeth
everything was brown.
it was a speckled bare treed sortve place.

i have been feeling not so kindly to the odd wild thoughts that go through my mind.
it wont stop raining and being grey here and i find comfort in the little things like the drawing i am working on, the scarf that keeps getting longer and the warm fuzzy classic movies i am finally getting to see.


its a real shame i let things get to me the way they do
its even scarier when my little sister calls up mirroring my worst behaviors and i have to be the one lying through my teeth to calm her down.
i like the way we laugh together, me and her,
we have a sortve dry careless humor, a selfishness about us, a vanity
i like the way she laughs sarcastically, its loud and booming
when i talk to her i am free for a little bit, she brings me back to my basics
who i am in essence.
i feel really quite funny and humorous.
when my mind isnt swamp swimming. as it has been.


i finally have papers to work in the U.K.
ah at last. a new stage is about to come.
its about time..

today i met someone i used to love but had never met
i was shy awkward and a bit of a goof stumbling and bumbling and spluttering on about things that just dont matter anymore
but he was there and he was real
he had scruff and he had curly hair
he was so tall i had to crane my neck
he was warm and smelled like water
i knew that cologne, it had a bit of irony to it that thats what he wears
and yet it was addictive and swoony
and i felt sortve taken in
his arm around me as we pushed through oxford circus
and smiled together at the performers in covent garden

we were kind of funny and quiet, i couldnt stop smiling
just off in the blue smiling, happy to know him
there were times today when my heart raced so fast i stopped breathing
where i contorted to his chest and i felt his chin on my head and instead of feeling calm i was full of electricity.
there were a million of questions on my lips but i stayed quiet

but stay still, this is a moment, here on the escalator, lost in a town with a pop up map, this is a moment you may never have again. and which you will never forget


in 2004 in the dark of night i danced around a bonfire with a basket of carnations and a gypsy skirt. i threw the flowers into the flames and wished that someday somehow i would meet this lovely english man who had stolen my heart.

as we said good bye in victoria station today something funny happened
i melted, i could feel my eyes get wet but just warm, sad but not heartbroken
suddenly i felt ....damn i just need a little bit more of whats happening......

i looked back at him once i was past the ticket barrier and he had a puppy dog smile on
his funny cut fruit nose,
his thick dark glasses
and i sighed
i feel so happy
i can be his friend
still now and then in the future

questions kindve bubble up to the surface again,
a rise of feelings, pit of the stomach, cringe of the face
its just there it is!
there it is
ive met him, ive seen him, ive faced the bitter england cold with him

and no
its really just
not enough

i feel a bit like a cloud, wispy and transparent, floating through these things i have been remembering for so long. but havent been able to get my mind to touch down about.

his little comments to me today made me smile with such a contentness
i remember loving him, this giant, with his funny ol deep voice
which i admired the most when it cracked with urgency

its a silly old thing, the way ive always cared for him
how he always shows up now and again in my dreams -
there in the supermarket with a new born daughter or at an italian restaurant surrounded by grapes
and we always have this horrible tendency to leave things badly
and yet i can always remember the very very good
its such a matured feeling
ive been on every level with him
and somehow here its nothing but ease.
its okay now -
and it feels so good to be able to see him again

(i remember playing love as a game before i met him, a mimick of movies, a test for how far to go. but its the moment the reigns are out of your hands isnt it. he showed me alot more then what a chaser is or how to cut my meat properly)


its a weird time for past great loves.
i am meeting another one in a matter of a week in a half.
i told my mother today, i thought it might be appropriate since she had to deal with the original phone bills to england, hearing me saying i was going to marry a european (my grandmother laughed so hard)
i was entwined in his idea
im not sure how it will be to break a thought thats been carrying on for 5 years
this on and off again pen pal of mine.
hes a great symbolism of the beginning of my freedom
when my eyes opened to a world outside america
i have to keep my heart in tune with all these skips and beats
all this emotion bubbling from under the surface
its enough to sink a girl

or maybe ill just be that cloud from here on out...

its funny how smart my subconscious is, knows exactly how i feel before i do
knows my desperate denial.
audrey hepburn with a gash in her leg, wobbling like a broken barbie.
its a sad thing to be her, and i can relieve it,
but its stuck there.
corner knot in my head
the gears just wont turn.


its like that song goes, "be here awhile, might as well smile....might as well smile..."


its autumn now, you can see it. you can feel it.
there are crunchy leaves swirling in front of my door.
theres that smell in the air, dry and fresh and alive.
the haze of our non existent british summer has vanished, left all its pretenses to the turning of the earth.
i like it when people...and seasons give up their masks
now, if only i could give up mine.


i am alot of people.
i am the mother who is doting, who loves to spoil and take care of, and be nurturing.
i am the little girl eternally who loves to giggle and joke and play
but i can also be this impatient teenager.
who bubbles out demands, expects her way,
my charms a bit rusty now, i am afraid it just turns people sour
where it once mightve been strong and spellbinding
its now ungrateful, unsatisfiable, and unpleasant.
most of all for me.


i feel like i am building up to a moment soon
this time is racing till the explosion,
and whereas i am braced for the point ive out done my limits
i am also drumming my fingers on the windowsill saying get on already!!!
i dont think it will be my downfall, all this...
whatever it is
but it will be a death to one of those girls up there.
and i have just the one in mind.

i hate moving, i hate the days leading up
i hate the inevitable problems

this morning i checked our bank account and at the same time got a phone call from our new letting agency informing me i was to pay £400 more then i expected and then there was £645 less on the bank account then there should be.
panic is an appropriate word.

this house is leaving us. this time is gone.
the bad things this place had brought to us, made us suffer are over.
from the very beginning when the water leaked through the ceiling
to no hot water at all, to the rat who lived in my cleaning cupboard.
to just this saturday when the plastic shower screen broke off the wall and fell on top of me.

these things are gone now. they are leaving me.


this will be my last post for some weeks as it will take awhile for my internet to be transferred.
i am unsure of the tone to put here.
i am unsure of how i feel at all.
i am hungry but dont want to eat, i am panicked but calm
i am ready yet so incredibly unprepared.

its like that summer, before i moved to berlin and patrick came to maryland to visit me.
i was in the california mountains, with bruises up and down my arms and neck from where she hit me
and my soul was bruised and weak and i lay there on the ancient rocks, when i felt it
a butterfly had landed on me and just did not want to leave.
we probably sat there for an hour as it crawled over my face, kissing into me its peace and beauty.
a man said to me that day, "butterfly is a sign of change, of becoming something great...i believe youll be doing this"

i like to think about that moment, on days like these.



tomorrow i am moving into a beautiful new place.
and the troubles that ache me right now are changeable and forgettable.

i will see you all in a few weeks time,
happy labor day <3

i took it like a cross to beared
for friendship, for a love of my fellow human
i kept it in punishing myself
i felt like it wasnt enough, whatever i had done. nothing? something? barely?
it didnt matter
i walked into that room a person to be scourned
and i was burned at the stake, all in the name of her heart.

i nailed myself to his punishment hoping in some small terms she would see my agony
my most deepest regret for his actions that i would commit myself to this terrible deed
and in that see
OH PLEASE SEE!!!
that i well and truly was a victim

and its laughable
really horribly laughable
that she would of seen it
in the face of her true love of 11 years
seen this girl 10 years younger
and foolish and new and frenzied
so completely terrified
her real intentions
of compassion and warmth....

her tone was ice cold tonight
ice cold in the fleeting of the throwing
of the out the window type
i am out the window type
arent i?
but i feel so much for defiant now.
my voice is rising up. my truth is hurtling out
i am no longer trying to make amends
i am trying to be righteous in myself
i am trying to be respectable in myself.



so no nina i did not want your husband to feel me up that past evening
i was drunk and taken advantage of and hurt and mortified and completely and utterly shocked
and now as you accuse me as the forsaken bitter angry guilty one
i have to say forget it
i know you need
YOU NEED
to side with your husband. for your marriage. for your child.
but i will not under any circumstances be your sacrificed one.
i am far too self aware and proud now.


and yes, that is my speech.
that is my criminal testament.
the end.

i trashed myself yesterday
completely wasted and disgusting and way too chatty

i told nina that her husband drunkingly groped me after she had gone to bed that night
i dont know why, i had been feeling so bad for it. because it had happened and usually the other woman involved gets blamed..
even though i did not instigate, reciprocate... i was too scared to really push him away. luckily i just went home but its made me feel vile and terrible and hated having to see her while the whole time i knew her husband is well
a scumbag

hes in singapore on a business trip. i dont know how it will be when he comes back tomorrow.

so yeah there i was drunk off my face in an alley way sharing a cigarette with her and i just start crying and stuttering
and nina well shes so sympathetic and loving.
but today all she could say is that she is terribly depressed
and i did that
she didnt have to know.
and yet i couldnt just keep my big mouth shut.


ive been ill all morning. havent kept anything down and barely reaching out of the doom and gloom of over drinking.
and you know i was looking forward to that girls night out for days?
excited to eat indian food, which i only got 2 bites of before the table was cleared.
excited to flirt and dance and be happy
and it was just completely overshadowed by this thing i couldnt keep myself from saying
ridiculous.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

patrick is currently taking his oracle exam and liam is sleeping
i have been watching tons of audrey hepburn movies and slumming in my filthy house half awake.
broken hearted.

i dont think ive ever been so completely depressed over something that wasnt my fault, effecting in reality someone else.
i wish the biggest wish i could hug her till all this pain went away.
maybe im blowing it out of proportion
well i know i am


i think for the first time in 24 hours i am hungry
i will go sink myself into something fattening and get on with life.
what else is there to do?

i just took a color quiz and it told me what i knew but what i could not completely voice

"Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm."

"The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities."

and we all know who else is unsuspectingly caught up in it, and we all know i only have myself to blame.

really really REALY ridiculous.


i have such a strange night last night.
as i fell asleep i heard glasses clinging together, or something of the like.
i am paranoid and as said above over imaginative by nature but didnt want to appear so and forced myself into sleep.
i was awoken by what i feel was a pleasant dream by the crash of an empty plastic bottle out in the kitchen.
now feeling anxious and annoyed it became very hard to relax when... our bedroom door started to open and i think my heart leaped to my throat
and there. at 1 am was a cat. in my bedroom, meowing and purring at me.
she jumped up on the bed and i started shaking patrick.

he took her back outside and grumbled back to sleep without a thought
but i found it to be such a wide eyes open laugh till your hoarse bizarre event.

however.
not one id like to repeat again soon.


its so warm today i could almost melt myself into grass
to be free of thoughts, and my own self shame for a day.

id like moogs to come over and keep my mind from wondering and wed go to the pool, paint our nails, whatever. just be us. and not just be me.

thank goodness i am going to ninas in an hour.....

my stomach is bubble,
filled with cotton and words, and a myriad of coffee beans
i feel close to ill and close to tired
but wired to this moment, this moment close to love, close to belief.

the sun was shining on my bare back today and the wind was quick and swift through my dark hair
i would steal glances with people on the street
whispers of smiles
i was approachable. but i feel that in itself makes me distant


i am thinking about my sister, who forgot me
about a friend, who i dont know if she quite ever knew
about my son whom i am told is my soul mate
about the dishes and cups of cold tea on the table
about my endless long words i could muse to him if i didnt feel so irreparably shy
it would be such a fantastical conversation - something that would need a fresh bed of grass
and a clear blue sky
something or somewhere where the air would be so clear
it would freeze the nostrils on the way in


today,
as i am brushing arms and shoulders with my imagination
i find i am as sporadic as the weather
didnt i just hear his voice? in a dream last night? could it have been just as i remembered from before?
but now i realize i cant even remember it now.
just a flash of white grinning teeth
quick,
down the rabbit hole i go.

oh it was a lovely evening -
its late now, after midnight
and my feet have that funny feeling after a night in heels
where you think the back heel of your foot is sinking in mud

i had several cigarettes, the first in months upon months
and the taste is heavy in my mouth
along with flirts and wishes

i felt beautiful tonight
despite falling breaking my ankle on several occasions
who can be an unnatural 6 foot tall without the stumble on cobblestone?
i thought of my girls, my real real girls, now in america waking up to the night
someday id like to see them over breakfast every saturday
and be the limbs entwined we always were.

sarah jessica parker said, "you feel infinitely different at 40 then you do at 20"
and i mused over that tonight
i probably will -
i will have more confidence and even more stories to tell
but i am glad that at 20 i feel ive lived a few lifetimes
and always am known to have an intriguing story to tell.

lucky, it is, to have known friends the way you are supposed to
the way youd hope to.
to have, at an early age perhaps, really pondered love
really really tried to study it, and experience it, and to know it.

to mariya and orli tonight i say
i love you both so much and so fully
you are the lights in my heart
and i had all those ciggies and cosmopolitans just for you
<3

drink myself into a drunken stuper?
thank myself kindly for the laughs i laughed tonight
curse silently with a smile for the games you play with my head
find myself poised in an elegant manner waiting for catastrophe
being jealous of a beautiful woman but still loving myself
finding myself drawing the map from a copy
singing songs in my head i originally hated
but finding the genius
loving my son as he keeps me awake and i smile at his beautiful face
understanding why love is complicated
and not getting mad at the implication that true love
should in fact be easy
imagine myself in every situation yet coming back to the present
shedding tears of joy for the good of man kind
realizing that it is obsession first and foremost and cherish it as so
coming to terms with the oddness of every human being
and loving that that conversation turns into one of
rippling rolling tears
of complete and utter hilarity
as in life you surprise one another

no matter how many people youll meet
youll find one different
it may be you
it may be me
but we are different and a gift to one another.

perhaps all in all i cherish this feeling because its radiantly rotten
and i cant feel good without the bad
neither is more important than the other.

and maybe tonight when you think about all the people you thought of correctly
youll think of their sorrow and put it in place
nobody's first, second, or one hundredth time stands absolutely

i think about the people whom ive heard dreadfull tales about and smile
tales are just tales and life is just life
and it makes me happy that the road is bumpy and the stories ununique

and maybe tonight as i lay under that blanket there will be peace
because i know the bad in myself, corroding and rotten
is what drives me forward - i say to perfection
but maybe release

Yay! Today is Liams 1st Birthday!!!!!!!
ah, it seems like only yesterday i was busy playing computer games and munching on mars ice cream bars when this horrible sudden pain came over me...yes yes i remember well
the horrible rain, mirroring todays, except the streets were lined with bunnies that i counted on the way to the hospital
and at 9:06 pm Liam was born!
and now he is most definitely here set in stone.

to commemorate his first year of life i am going to post a picture of every month hes been here so far....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you more than anything...<3



ah, the first day you came


1 month old...in the immobile curious phase


by month two already a cheeky grin


month 3: uh oh wheres the hair going??


then at month 4 hair is replaced by big gigantic smiles!


a spooky halloween as you turned 5 months old...


and at month 6 we decided your eyes were your best feature


you turned 7 months old at christmas!


and by 8 months some fuzz started sprouting on your head again!


at 9 months your mobility was starting to pick up :)


and at 10 months old we celebrated easter - and your permanent mohawk!


11th months old and your face is really coming out something lovely


and here you are! 1 year old and the most lovely smiley happiest baby there ever was!
congratulations lovey dovey!!!!


<3